Monday, September 29, 2014

Checklist for Indian Men



Open box Ignore the invisible 'Occupation' under personal information on your birth certificate. It probably reads Engineer or Doctor.
Open box Accept that as son, the sole responsibility of earning bread, running/protecting the house and keeping the bloodline alive lies on your head. A side effect of having just one X chromosome.
Open box Childhood comes with being bullied by studs, adulthood comes with being challenged by studs. Nerds, geeks, artists - No No! Go for sports. It's a safer zone.
Open box Learn that your career and the scores on your mark sheet is a global issue. From your dad's friend to neighbor's aunty, everyone deserves to know them.
Open box Choose career based on everything else, but your passion. Passion won't get you a wife, six digit salary, a car and a 2 bhk house.
Open box Accept your mid twenties as your warrior phase. Earn, make a career, get married and breed. Failure to do so may give society the chance to look down upon you.
Open box Imagine your life as a conveyor belt. You are the product. It takes you through Birth > School > college > Fancier college >  Degrees > Job > Fancy job > Heavy salary > Marriage > Children > Earn > Earn > Earn > Earn > Earn......... Did I forget to mention, it's endless?
Open box Value the importance of India's contribution to Zero. The more you have, the worthier you are. On your paycheck, of course.
Open box Peer pressure; relish it. Pansy, sissy, coward, namard, faggot or loser will be your nicknames if you don't speak up to your girlfriend, don't want to drink alcohol, do household chores or spend too much time with your new wife. "Bros before hoes" is the official manthem.
Open box Value the importance of a woman's hand. They are costlier as it gets. It's like applying for a visa. Keep your bank statement ready.
Open box Hurry up. By the time you'll reach the age to get married, women you might like will be extinct.
Open box Get the striped t-shirt because once married, you are in your referee phase. It's a life long see-saw between your wife and mother. Good way to utilize the time you wasted watching WWF.
Open box Do not dream about staying at home, cooking or taking care of your children. You don't want to be called "the wife". 9 to 5 job is your Dharma.
Open box In the land of Rajnikanth, you have no right to be a "sissy". Gun, knife or an atom bomb, whatever it might be, get manly enough to fight them. Inability to do so drops you in the impotent-barrel.
Open box Urban men, get this. 'Don't be a pussy' is offensive and sexist. Use 'Don't be such a dick' to gain brownie points among women. It increases your non-sexist bar.
Open box From train coaches to a window seat on a plane, you'll always be given secondary preference. Deal with it. It's called "Darker sex treatment".
Open box Don't judge women based on their weight or body shape. Your physical aspects on the other hand have to be top notch. Short? Pot-bellied? Bald? No biceps and six-packs? Rot in hell. Stud category only includes Tall, Dark and Handsome.
Open box Do not go for taller women. Men HAVE to be taller. It's a biological law. How would you look down upon her, otherwise?
Open box Loving your own gender is filthy and punishable. Raping another gender isn't a big deal. Pick the easier one.
Open box Women can wear suits and boxers, but the moment you sport a pink shirt, you'll be cursed. Go for bomber jackets, heavy boots, chunky pants and a cowboy hat. Stay "manly".
Open box Stop being sensitive. Crying or expressing sentiments is not for your gender. No uterus, no tears.
Open box 'Rapist' is a new tag offered to all Indian men by local and international crowd. Wear it with pride.
Open box Live a struggling life, only to be called dogs or a heartless and disrespectful gender because of few.



A feminist,
We understand. We are there.




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