The Fake Gems

Originally written on: August 12, 2010

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Even after entering adulthood, there still exist some stubborn childish tantrums in all of us. For me they erupt when I am lying sick in my bed and the time comes to gulp down those disastrous pills.

The pills with their angelic and gem-like appearance tries their best to charm, but fails miserably. I know behind the enchanting mask somewhere lies a hideous tasting devil which'll make my taste buds cry for help.

Pills were always like an enemy to me. I hated them from the day I first saw them. I always thought they make you sicker. They stink. Their smell make my nose die a hundred times. Even after avoiding them to my best, when the time comes to consume them, my mind is replaced with Einstein's. Ideas pop up and I try them:

- Disposing in the sink

- Shoving it out of the window..

- Putting them back where they came from..

- Dropping them in the flower vase..

- Burying under my pillow (I was CAUGHT here!)

Consequently after trying my hands on many such ideas, I started attracting supervisors during my medicine-taking process. Their eyeballs targeted the pills, making sure they reach their destiny.

During my recent sickness, situation for me turned out to be pensive. They were not one or two. They were 7. Yes SEVEN! Again, beautiful like gems, but devils, enormous DEVILS. I could hear my taste buds cry for help.

The first day I planned popping them one after the other. After a lengthy stare, long avoidance, I knew I had to do it. Eyeballs were angry, targeting. Fighting with the desire of just throwing them away somewhere, I displayed my act of bravery.

The ruby gem was like a villainess of an action movie, beautiful, but still an enemy. Topaz looked vulnerable but was strong enough to stab me in my throat. There was one with black color. I doubted if it was even edible. With every pill down my throat, my nose and head wrinkled. It made my face give an expression, even a child would pity. Nothing can be bitterer, nothing can be so merciless than them. Filling all of them in a revolver and shooting my head seemed to be a more tempting idea. The scary capsule at the end surprisingly turned out to be the friendliest. Apart from the big size, there was no issue with it. It was tasteless. And thus, I finally completed the toughest job of my life.

Next day, I had horrible, but a better idea- gulping all of them together! The only advantage was that they could make my tongue cry just once. This time the eyeballs were confused, deciding which one to target as I had all of them in my palm together. They thought I was trying to be tricky, but I was a warrior that day, defeating all my enemies in one single shot.

Feeling proud on my idea, I stuffed them in my mouth and drank half a glass of water. I repented on my stupid idea at the very next moment. The stubborn devils never went down. They played all possible games in my mouth. They were playing their sagas in every corner. I forgot the most clichéd lesson of my childhood "United we stand, divided we FALL."

I had a face of a soldier who had just lost a war. Another half a glass of water and I forced them to disperse. One by one they started sliding through my straw-size food pipe. The ruby villianess, the vulnerable topaz, the ruthless sapphire, the inedible black, the bitter orange, the gentleman capsule and the pathetic white one, which rested on my tongue for a little longer because of no coating and left the most outrageous taste before sliding down to my belly.

The war was over. I had an urge to throw up, but I didn't. I offered apologies to my taste buds for making them suffer because of my stupid idea. I could feel the dance of victory inside my belly.

 

Gems disappeared, water glass was empty, eyeballs were smiling and I was thinking of new strategies for next day.

I still get panic attacks when I see pills. Their size changes, color changes, and smell changes with times, but one part that never changes, the only best thing about pills - 

Sometimes to bribe me, sometimes to bring a smile on my wrinkly face - the army of good looking and good tasting food my mother lines up after the pill-session!

Awarded "Creative Blogger Award"

I must be the laziest blogger on the face of earth. I still get a good number of faithful readers and followers and I am very thankful for the same.
And I really don't know, what I did to deserve this but, I just received the "Creative Blogger Award" awarded by Imagination19. Thank you for considering me.

Now as the world works, there are some rules to be followed to give respect for the consideration. Here they are:

1. Thank the Blogger and link back to the blog. - Check

2.a. Three things About yourself.

   b. Two things People don't know about you.

   c. One thing you want to change about yourself. - Below

3. Answer the questions asked by the blogger. - Below 

4. Nominate this award to the deserving blogs. Pass it on. - Below 

5. Ask some questions to the bloggers who got nominated. - Below

6. Inform the bloggers about their award. - Check

2.a. Three things About yourself.

I get all confused when I am asked to explain myself in just three things.

I mess up most of the times.

I end up telling nothing.

  b.Two things People don't know about you.

There are five incomplete posts sitting in my blog's drafts!

I am an introvert in person, an extrovert on blog.

  c.One thing you want to change about yourself.

Stop being so lazy.

3. Questions asked by the blogger.

What is the one word that comes to your mind when you hear the following words/phrases? (Make it like a rapid fire round - Mention the first word that strikes you! And if you make if fast, it would be cool.)

a. World - Fascinating 

b. Life - Roller coaster

c. Awards - Superficial (not the right place to say, though)

d. School - Innocence

e. Love - Him

f. Books - BFF

g. Death - Serene

h. Work - Passion

i. Sports - Fitness

j. (Your Name) - Dhara

k. Dog - love-dispenser

l. Parents - Everything

m. My Blog - Mirror

n. Chocolates - Over-rated

o. Me/The Author/Ajay - Intellectual

P.S: Giving just one word, was tricky!

4. Nominate this award to the deserving blogs. Pass it on.

http://my-summer-eyes.blogspot.com
http://honeymalicad.blogspot.com

http://greenikz.blogspot.com

http://meagainstsixbillion.blogspot.com

http://showthestyle.blogspot.com

http://lafemmenirvana.blogspot.com

http://dipteeraut.blogspot.com
http://www.factfiction.in

http://lifewhatthehellisitallbout.blogspot.com
http://thingsleftunsaidbysuni.blogspot.com

http://surbhibafna.blogspot.com

5. Ask some questions to the bloggers who got nominated.
    Respond to the following words in just ONE word

Life:
Money:

Black:

Friends:

Faith:

Gangnam Style:

India:

Racism:

Beauty:

Religion:

My Cactus Dress:

The winners have to follow this six rules and post the same on their blog. You can also copy the award picture on your blog as a medal!!
I am not used to responding good in such situations, so excuse my questions and answers. All the winners, feel free to leave a comment in case of any queries or confusions regarding the rules, (I know I was vague.)

Thank you again for this wonderful opportunity to try something different.

From your daughter..

Originally written on: May 8, 2011

It was not a long time ago when I sent you off-lines on how everything was going wrong and you asked me to remember how brave I was. You asked me to break all the rules to comfort myself. But, all that mattered that time was YOU and nothing more.

My life was divided in to two parts,

Part one - My Dreams

Part two - My Duties

The first part always got successful to be fabulous and in trying to enchant me. It made me see how it was a more important part of my life. The constant try of keeping both the parts balanced, always failed miserably.

The first part kept expanding from school to college, from college to job, from job to traveling and it never stopped. Pat on the back, warm smiles, appreciation & loud cheers were some rewards, but there was somewhere I lacked. I knew that. The see-saw between both lives pushed me away from you, your life.

All of a sudden, somehow very easily you lifted the burden off my shoulders and hung it on yours.

I learnt how to avoid calls and you learnt SMS.

I learnt how to silent my phone and you learnt computers.

I learnt to say "I was busy" and you learnt Facebook.

I learnt how to be invisible and you learnt sending off-lines.

I learnt typing resumes and you learnt 'S' comes after 'A'

I learnt uploading my pictures and you learnt commenting on them.

And you know, the moment you wanted to learn about putting emote-icons, that very moment seemed the cutest thing in the world to me.

You did that, for ME.

You walked every mile ahead, the time I pulled my step behind and you never rested through this wearily journey of you and me. You were right there running around, pulling your socks up.

You gave me the best part of the meal while dividing among all. You complained, but never failed to keep the tea ready for me. You used me as an example to teach Meghu some lessons, which always gave me a chance to laugh on her. You made me sleep on your bed in summers because that's where the AC was. You ignored every pain that stained your eyes, to keep my sight glowing. Your love managed to rush in through the key holes, when I had to slam the door.

And I knew I was never fulfilling.

All you never knew was that you were the best part in both the parts of my life, my dreams and my duties. Not because you anyway made your way through, but I wanted you to be in it. I didn’t call when I was down because I knew tears won’t stop while talking to you. I said I didn’t like your favorite corn because I wanted you to have the last bite. I didn't visit you more because the separation after is more painful. I always have complained you giving too much tea to finish because I forever knew how badly you wanted some sips from my cup.

But mother, no love can fight against the love of yours.

You were always an answer to my questions to the mirror. For what I am, is because of nothing else, but you.

   ©My Cactus Dress

On numerous nights when I had cried myself to sleep, I had asked nothing, but the pillow in a foreign place to be replaced with your lap because that is where my world is. The place I was born and the place I want to leave the earth from. Only you are being blessed with the magic wand to convert my every tear in to smile.

I am telling you this not because its Mother's day but, knowing that this would be a great excuse for my confessions.

Happy Mother's Day Mumma

I don’t want to say you are the best mom in the world because you are worthier than my comparison.

I love you

O Father! I was not the enemy..

Originally written on: March 23rd, 2011

My love for soldiers, respect for the sacrifices of their family & curiosity for wars made me come up with this one.. It might be hard for some to relate to this but some would find their story in my story..
Inspiration: Pink Floyd
......................................................................................................................


The battle field was drafted; the soil was staring right in to the face,
The guns were loaded, the horses were fed & your armor was on the place.
Drenched in vengeance at the first sun ray, while you were ready to defend,
did you not know there was someone to arrive at the other end?

Miles across the battle-ground, under a weak roof, a mother moaned.
For it was not the ache of birth, it was for you, who to the pain, was unknown.
It were the promises that were broken, it was your absence that was your token.
Not with your love but, with your betrayal, I was born.


While you designed to knock on the heaven's door, I was knocking to hell.
While you planned to destroy, I was created, for I never knew where to dispel.
Why were you always the opposite?
O Father! I was not the enemy..


The one who was just a bride when you departed, is now a mother,
She want no husband for she learnt to wait but, for her son she needed his father.
Bullets and bombs and bloodshed was what she watched on TV that night..
She knew the war started and she was worried for her brave knight.
Though it scared her to death, she smiled and sang to me my lullaby,
Kissing me she said to herself, it's yet not the time to say good-bye.


She was chanting her prayers,
she was feeling so proud,
she noticed no pain & wished for your victory, so loud..


I did no sin, I made no one cry..
Why were you not there to pay, when I so badly wanted a toy.
O Father! I was not the enemy..


The enemies were in full glory, over their ruined land,
tempting for your blood, they made their entry grand.
Revenge in their eyes, rage in their hearts,
without clemency they started tearing you apart.


You indeed were a fearless warrior, mother was so right.
You spared no one, you crushed everyone in your sight.
They attacked our land, they shook our countrymen & that is what they deserved that night..
But, O Father! I was not the enemy..


Hours passed, dawn was about to emerge,
Mother never slept all night, she was praying for you in the church..
The combat was to end & you knew you have won,
right that moment there was something to stun..


A bullet so strong, so fierce, so fast,
Traveled around the field to reside in you and last.
Was that the connection of blood or me conveying,
I started crying so loudly & mother had to stop praying..


Your bright grey eyes, your handsome young face,
along with the bleeding chest, touched the earth surface.
You fell on knees so hard; the field shook with fear,
Along with mine was mother's precious tear..
Loud firing in your ears, loud crying in mother’s
She never knew we would never see each other.


Uttering the god's name followed by your wife & unnamed child,
You wished we always love you, for that pain for you was still so mild.
Looking around the hazy field you were assured about the victory,
assured that your sacrifice will be embossed in our history..


Now I am old enough to read you in my history book,
The questions never end & I always want to say,
O Father! I was not the enemy..


The loudest doubt will always be a worry,
Why her un-dried tears says "Son, you will join the military".
Did I do wrong or was it just mother's destiny?
O Father! I was not the enemy..
....................................................................................................................


When I marched away from your mother,
All I asked was this..
"If I won’t see the victory, would you let him do that, please?"
I loved my bride, my wife, your mother,
For protecting the motherland was my destiny..
O son..
O my son, I was not your enemy....

The summoning of the re-incarnation

She woke up to the usual morning, with the birds playing euphonies, the enigmatic sun rays embracing the earth's surface, but even the intense gracefulness of nature failed to win a smile of composure on her face.

She wandered in her abandoned house like an erratic spirit seeking for salvation. She folded the quilt in the neatest possible way, placed it at the tail of the bed, and puffed the pillow. She grabbed the hair chopstick from the side table and crafted it in her hair. The tiny chopstick performed a kind of martial art inside her tresses before resting still. Ending the daily morning chores in a timely manner, she walked out of the bathroom, dripping water from her hair, on the soft snowy carpet. She looked like an ordinary girl, like any woman would, in the morning; beautiful and vulnerable. 

Fifteen minutes later there stood an entirely different individual in front of the mirror, a lean, mean, and a numb, corporate dame. She attired herself in a perfect pin-striped black business suit. She pulled out the shirt’s cuffs from the sleeves of her suit's jacket and examined herself again in the mirror. She felt like a mannequin.

She saw a bitter woman not fancied by many owing to her solid rigid lamination she wore on her true self. She saw her inner age a decade older than she really was. She knew the reason why she was loved before and why she was hated now, but she didn't understand what to make out of her, she didn't understand If she was a winner with an attitude of a loser or vice-versa. Her eyes she saw were an ocean of grief. She tried hard to find the girl she had in her some years ago and she failed miserably. She landed her eyes on her diary on her work desk, opened the usual last page, and read to her, her self-written sonnet to begin her day. And that was her daily routine:

When the early dawn seemed blazing, I glimpsed out of the window,
and the entirety embossed like a blight.
The demons in my creed kept staring,
At the tear in my smile like a stubborn parasite.
I yearn to shed the outfit of stress, wish to don a cactus dress,
Like the shining armor of a ferocious knight.
A crowd is noisy, so desert my mess,
I am a lone warrior to embark upon this fight.
The rampant chaos is my melody I cherish,
The anguish is the moon of my dark night.
When all the sufferings once will perish,
My languid spirit will endure in bright.
The rain of my ancient memories will downpour,
With the beat of the drums, I'll march ahead for my war.

She felt a profound feeling of boldness together with courage and she was composed to encounter the day. She adored her camouflaged cactus dress and smiled. A dress to keep everyone away with the fear of its thorns, as for the one in thorns can never be pricked.

While she walked on the streets of the foreign land, she tried to read those cold faces as they passed by. She wished she could peek deep down into their souls and see if they were like hers, frigid from outside, but entirely distinct from inside. The unfamiliarity in their eyes pinched her and she always searched for a home. She kept swaying on the street like an invisible flow of wind.

As closer as she was getting to her destination, she was feeling a sense of attachment, a sense of belonging, a sense of tranquility. She tried to seal her soul like one would close their eyes and thought how bizarre her journey was. The guiltless, happy decade of her childhood expired in a blink and the time from then never craved to move ahead. She thought of the separation from her loved ones, separation for education, and then the separation for career, and then the future separation for the rituals and the hypocrisy of mankind called Marriage. The bunch of orchids in her hand surfaced the irony in a more absolute way. 

When she walked more on the street, she questioned her existence, not in this world but, in the city where there existed no part of her own. She recollected the time when she ran to keep pace with people. She recalled how she tried to await those friendly eyes but, finally ended up embracing all the coldness with a fake warm smile and with a moaning heart inside.

When she was less than a foot away from her destination, she took a deep breath closing her eyes and swallowed the silence which rode around. It was her homecoming. She entered into the soothing serene ambiance and it tempted her.  She pictured the anguish and cries the place accumulated inside it. She saw bouquets and she saw tombstones. She saw life inside each and she saw death outside them, ironically. Demise embossed in the form of names. She knew which one was calling for her. She walked swiftly and knelt down as the earth beneath magnetized her.

©mycactusdress

With the most elegant way, she blew the dust from the stone and placed the orchids in the center. She didn’t feel the need to pray, she didn’t feel the need to have a selfish chat with a god, where she could ask for more. The gushing breeze blew her hair and she could hear it as the unsaid prayer. She swallowed all the emptiness of the place and merged it with the emptiness inside her. She was the murderer, the person behind the death of the one inside the tombstone. After spending a few unspoken moments with the dead, she stood up and felt again the same sense of boldness, and this time, assembled with blackness. As she started to leave, she turned back for the final time, for the final closure, and generated the first genuine smile of the day while she read the tombstone.....

¨ME¨

The anguish is the moon of my dark night

When all the sufferings once will perish

My languid spirit will endure in bright.

The rain of my ancient memories will downpour,

With the beat of the drums, I'll march ahead for my war

Name matters!

So, I probably have a twin soul breathing in the blog world, who happen to have the same blog name as mine. (A walk across the bridge) 

Bummer!

It would be unfair to her if I keep the same name, as I saw she had that for years. So, I am sticking to my same'ol name,

My Cactus Dress

And I have ripped the internet apart. No one has this one and...

My stream of roomies. Part l

While counting sheep last night, I plunged in to my pool of thoughts and wondered over the places I have been. The times I didn't have a permanent nest and I kept leaping from one place to another. And then I thought,

“What the heck! It’s a hell lot of girls I have stayed with!”

Now that I have an exquisite and permanent roommate I love to stay with, I can easily ponder over my memories of staying with all forms of roommates I had over all these year. Some were so blissful; I couldn't stop to be in touch with. They’ll be friends forever and some…

…. You’ll know!

It all started after high school, when I left my town.

My first and one of the best roommates:

SWETA:

Well, if I have to compare her to a movie character, she could easily fit in the role of Kajol from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham!! Yeah right, Tussi bade mazaki ho (hitting you hard on arms)* kind.

She kept chattering nonstop until I dozed off. She just LOVED talking and that was one of the many reasons I always felt lively with her. We had a beautiful small house we shared with other girls and we loved it there, well sometimes! It was the first away-from-home experience for both of us and we both gave up at some point or the other. We had our own differences at times but, that didn't leave us to think any different about each other!! We were like a team creating troubles and sometimes landing in some. We ate nonstop at any time of the day. We would eat tons of food at 2.00 am and would puke the second morning but, we continued the vicious cycle. Life was so random with her that we used to have the morning coffee at petrol pumps from the wending machines and sometimes drank flavored milk from the cunning store wala next to our house. I know weird but, fun.

I could write without pausing on all the things I am remembering right now but, that wouldn't be fair. She was my roommate I had for the longest period of time and we ended staying roommates for all the years we were in the town. When we got our degrees at convocation, we were awarded together!! I told ya, we were a team.

She is now married to her love and moved to Canada from the US for good. I miss her.

AVANI:

I wish I could just say, “The name is enough!”

Tall, pretty, funny and well, in demand! She was the elder figure for me and Sweta, teaching us the ways of life. We sometimes got it, sometimes we pretended we got it and sometimes we didn't care. I would confess in having a lot of trouble with her but, soon after we finished our college, we couldn't get apart. Though it was hard to match up to her thoughts as we were complete different characters, I would say I did have a lot of fun in her company.

She was the Leah to my Juno.

If our college had a football team, she sure would be the cheerleader!

We separated as roommates in sometime however I used to visit her a lot and we had our share of fun.

She is married too, to her boyfriend in Australia.

P.S: Still a hottie!

PRAKRUTI/PAKU:

It was sheer destiny how we met and in no time she packed her luggage and moved to our house. She was the person I could relate to a lot more than others, an artist, intellectual, music lover and a very chirpy person to be with. I loved her company. I was very brutal in teasing her and I knew she liked it too. The moment spent with her and other two girls were one of those moments for which I would be thankful all my life. We had unbelieving funny times like cats entering through windows and pawing on us while we were asleep, witnessing robbery which turned out to be a security check, a light bulb on street that always used to lit up when we walked through it (creepy) and so on. I loved her. Good times!!

She calls herself “Hinata Uzumaki” now, sells her art on Deviant Art  & married her longtime lover, whom she called her John Abraham.

HETAL:

The good girl among monsters!

It surprised me how every evening, without forgetting a single day; she would worship her god before she ate. She was very religious, calm and fun-loving daddy’s girl. She came with Paku and in no time became the closest friends to me and Sweta. She was a very lovely lady who had the faith in humanity and though we separated on our differences, we still talk endlessly and laugh on our good old days.

Again, happily married!

URVASHI:

I am just waiting for her name to erupt because for hell sure she was a volcano. An independent, dominating weirdo, a Physiotherapist who used to get bones and skulls home every day and scared the hell out of us! We always used to wonder if she allowed her boyfriend to breathe some free air but, I was happy to know she married him and they are now the proud parents of a baby girl.

We lost contact when she left but, I just found her on Facebook few days back and am waiting for the lava!

SHITAL:

Well, not exactly a roommate but, she shared our house for few weeks and ended being one of us. She was from my native town and thus we had a lot to share. She was and is very close to my sister, some call them twins and hence they created havoc when my sister visited us. I would rather not mention their acts here!!!

Right now…..earning big bucks in Bombay!! :D

NIMISHA:

The coolest roommate EVER!!

Yes! The one I was the most flexible with. She was a happy-go-lucky, enjoy-life-to-the-fullest kind of girl and that is what I loved about her. I liked how it was really easy to be with her not pretending to be something else. We shared the same interest in college, Food Production.

We wore our chef caps, tied our aprons, held the spatulas & ran to our college kitchen every time we got chance, while other girls re-did their make-up as hostesses. The best memory I remember was to cook delicacies the whole night before our college’s jungle theme event. I wish I had more time with her.

Happily Married and is now in the states.

Bee tee double-yew, when all your friends are married, you are probably old!

VAITALI:

The roommate I was least connected to hence not much to share about. We didn't have anything in common except we shared the same home town. She was a beautiful dancer though.

Married

YANA:

It was when I moved to Jodhpur for my Industrial Training, I dived in to more diversity. Yana was a pretty roommate from Nagaland. My closest from all the three roommates I had, while I was there. Unfortunately, it was the worst & horrible period of my life, too rough to mention right now. Anyway, she was very helpful & supportive & I wish I could find any contact details on her.

BENI:

Also, from Nagaland. Strange, little unfriendly but, I loved the way she pronounced my name.

Not much news of her either.

NIKITA (I guess):

She was my 3rd roommate in Jodhpur. She was from Tibet & she always kept asking me about how life is, in Mumbai. I really don’t know why. All I remember of her is that she was a Gutka pan addict!!!

RASHMI:

My first roommate who was younger than me, I've always been the youngest.

My first amchi-mumbai roommate with a strong Marathi flavor!

I simply LOVE her.

I could stay with her again if I get to. She was so alive, so smart & so stupid. I had some of the best times of my life with her. She helped me explore Bombay more than I could have. We did some shit crazy pranks while we stayed together, creating troubles for our landlord. She was always ready to hear my boring & whiny stories while I came back from my internship at the hotel. (Sometimes good ones about how I met Bollywood stars!)

She loved shopping & had a good touch of materialism. She was my Rachel Green.

A dentist now

Well, a long list. I know! But, we are halfway there.

………to be continued

I do!

Ok! So this is my sincere, honest and strong attempt to do this one thing, which I desired to do since years - write a blog!

Now that I have a good time on hand, I want to make it possible. To give life to this blog, that has been sitting dull since months. I wish to live up to my expectation to write more frequently or at least jot down the random thoughts that wander across my mind.

For now I have just posted some old stuff, so that my blog wont look sadistic! But, I promise to come up with something good soon.

So do I promise to love and to cherish this blog for as long as we both shall live?

YES! I DO.